Yoga Is Awesome. At Home.

I am an inherently lazy person.

I’m convinced that God made me that way.  That’s why I am not one of those people who glistens when they workout.  I sweat.  And get red faced.  And swell.  And my legs itch when I run.

I’m practically allergic to strenuous exercise.

Which makes yoga perfect for me.

What is not perfect for me is a yoga class.  That you take with other people.  In front of mirrors.  In a room that discourages swearing.

If I’m going to fall over trying to stand on one leg, I’d like to be able to do it in the privacy of my own home where only my children can mock me and be scarred by my inevitable cursing.

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Women’s Workout Clothes – 4 rules for buying workout clothing

I just recently started working out again.  At a gym.

If you’ve ever been to a gym before you know that it is where the female spawn of satan go to make you feel fat. Some people will try to tell you that those women only hang out at the fancy gyms, but they’re lying.  Even the women at the YMCA have the ability to make you feel like stuffed sausage on feet when you first start to work out.

My first day back to the gym, I made a classic rookie mistake.  I dressed like a mom who was just starting to work out again.

I wore capri pants instead of shorts to cover up the cellulite on my pasty white thighs.

I wore a sensible tank top with wide straps to conceal the sports bra that I’m wearing for function instead of fashion.

I put all of my efforts into concealing my body instead of showing it off.  Because, hello?  I just started working out again.  And also?  I’m going to be red faced and sweating like a pig in about .02 seconds.

Unfortunately, my modesty and sensibile thinking just made me feel more self concious about the way I looked the entire time I was there.  The problem was I didn’t get workout clothes that were flattering to my body.  At all.

Yes, some women’s workout clothes are more flattering than others.  And it’s not necesssarily the workout clothing with the most coverage that looks the best.

And before you start to lecture me on how trivial it is to care about what you look like when you workout – well, suck it.  It’s distracting to be thinking about what a turd you look like when you’re trying to concentrate on things like form and breathing and not dying.

Here’s what I learned about women’s workout clothes that work better for my body.

Women’s Workout Clothes Rule 1 – wide straps  and sleevless tops are not your friend.

This is similar to the tank top I wore my first day.  Great coverage, right?

Maybe if I had some definition in my arms.  As it is, the only thing I have going for my upper body at this point is the fact that I have shoulders.  of course, in this top you couldn’t see that.  All you could see was my pudgy little arms plugged into my top.  Instead of emphasizing my shoulders or my chest, the focus was on my very undefined upper arms.

Women’s Workout Clothes Rule 2 – Work what your mama gave ya, even if it’s just a shoulder blade.

This is a much better option for me. It’s not much of a difference, but the straps are small enough that you can see that I actually have joints, not just plug-in limbs.

Women’s Workout Clothes Rule 3 – it’s perfectly OK to cater to the girls.

Even better, a top that shows off my shoulders and the little bit of chest I have. Granted, my boobs aren’t much to get excited about, but any positive attention I can bring to the top of my body takes away from my very pear shaped lower half.

And even little boobs are sexy when it’s done with class.

Women’s Workout Clothes Rule 4 – just say no to pseudo maternity wear.

Um, no.  The only person this looks good on is someone who doesn’t have anything to hide.  And do you know what the benefit of good workout tops is?  Spandex.  Spandex is your friend and will hold your stuff up and in.  This?  This is begging to have your jiggling belly peeking out from beneath your maternity top the first time you bend over too far or lift your hands too high.

Of course, I’m still in the beginning stages of my adventure in women’s workout fashion.  So far I’ve figured out how to flatter the top half of my body, but the bottom half is still screwed.

I’ve tried shorty shorts, mesh basketball shorts, and stretchy capri pants.  None of it’s making me feel less self concious about potential camel toe or butt jiggle.

I don’t suppose there’s another 5’2″ pear out there with some words of wisdom for my lower body, is there?  (I mean, BESIDES more cycling classes.)